Green grass grows

Ok so i visited the guy from pit for information about their practical nursing classes, and i signed up for the TEAS test, which basically is a test to see if you have the necessary academic abilities to be successful in their program. Out of the hundreds of people*or so they say* who take the test , they only take the top 55. So i have to make sure I can get in, now while I'm still psyched about going to school, and in the mind frame to handle my business. There is a book i can use as a study guide so on my next day off I'm going to the bookstore to get it. I need to prepare my self for this PRONTO.

If i do get accepted into the program i would be in a position again, where i would have someplace to be and something to do with almost all of my awaken moments. its been like this before for me and i just couldn't handle it at the time, but since my unemployment and the distance i now have to travel just to go to work, I know a DRASTIC change is needed in my life.I want to better myself for myself and also for my child. I want him to live a life where he fondly recalls his childhood, and how he enjoyed it and didn't have to worry about adult things. i just want him to have the best, plain and simple.
"Enough is enough and its time for a change"

Conversely I wonder if I'm doing too much too soon.
On my way home i had to walk through what would be considered downtown Doylestown to get to the train station, and true to a balmy summer Saturday night the crowds were out. Everyone seemed to be out enjoying their lives and their youths. I felt a twinge of jealousy. I'm young, I'm attractive, and i like to go out and have a nice time every now and again. yet i was walking past in my scrubs with my scuffed nursing shoes, overdone weave and a $40.00 h&m bag.
Am i not allowed to enjoy life?
Must everything be so serious, straitlaced, and life or death with me?
I just want to put on high heels, prop up the "girls", and just enjoy a night out on the town but i guess thats not my life right now, and it just may never be my life.

Sometimes i just want a release!
I saw this as someones *M M* fb status a while ago:
"The grass is always greener on the other side, but grass always look green when you water it"
Comments; "fuck it cuz get a green house, it'll stay green all year long, but just keep cutting the grass so you can see the snakes"
Which basically is saying if you take care of things you do have, you"ll have everything you need and wont have to worry about everyone else or at least that's what i got from it. Although it just seems so easy to want what others have, especially if your struggling trying to do the right things, and nothings coming out as expected. while others are living the dangerous fast lifestyle, yet they're the ones who are getting all the advantages, and breaks. Frustrating to the 9th power. "i just want to be blessed, no stress, and lots of happiness"





P.S. i wrote both of these posts in my thought book on the same day within a hour from each other. how hilarious is that?

Daily struggle

This morning was rough. i'm still in the midst of potty training Jahlil *without reinforcement from the school, or his dad*. Which basically means he's potty trained when i am around, and unpotty trained when im not. Anyways i know I've been saying "you got to do, what u got to do" in regards to me working and going back to school. Well the reality of that just smacked me in the face.

Jahlil didn't have the best drop off today. He cried and he cried, and he cried! He screamed "I want daddy", "I want water ice", "I want to go home" the entire bus ride, with me meekly sitting besides him feeling quilty and trying to pacify him
I feel guilty because i have to work...
I have to work and i have to work in Doylestown, Pa which is about 50 miles from my house, which wouldn't really be a problem, IF i had a car or even my license for that matter.
I DO NOT!!!
Instead i have to ride public transportation to and from work, Jahlil's school, and anywhere else i need to go.
I'm working on obtaining these things but this is not an overnight process.
So anyway i have to drop my son off at about 11:45 everyday, so i can take a bus and a train, to catch another bus the 1:15 55 bus to doylestown that takes me to work. The days that i have to work, I basically work all day getting ready to go, dropping Jahlil off, and getting to the bus on time, then riding said bus for about 90 minutes...all that and i haven't even started work yet.
Exhausting but True. After i leave work i have to get on the bus back home for about another hour long bus ride, then get in the car with Alex, just so i can get in my damn house.
although my schedule is set up so the most i will work is three days in a row, its still takes a toll on me physically, and i now see its getting to Jahlil too. I just feel like that was the reason he had such an outburst like that.
He misses his mommy, and still getting used to Alex not being around 24/7 like when we lived together. He also misses Mike my little brother and the time they used to spend together.
I guess he feels like all his favorite people are leaving him, and he's being left all alone with strangers to take care of him (or at least that how i would feel, and have felt before)
Now dont get me wrong he still spends time with his dad, every night i work, and every other weekend, but its just not the same as having him around all the time.
**Help i could go along the route of the blame game/woe is me game and say things would be easier if i had help, but i do have help. The help that i receive helps in a way that works out for all parties involved. With alex picking up jahlil, i dont have to worry or stress about raveling on SEPTA late at night with my son. i have piece of mind to know he's home sleep in his own bed with someone who loves and cares for him watching over him, while alex gets to get more 1 on 1 time with Jahlil, on an almost daily basis. Sometimes having piece of mind is the best help around.**
Basically this is my situation for now and i WILL make the best of it, but i just dont want to feel like I'm being an absentee mother, and leaving others to take care of my child.

I was just venting this was my struggle of the day it really had me in an odd place, i just had to get this out instead of carrying everything around inside.


Peace and love
Toye'

** P.S.** I am grateful for my job because it really came at the right time my money was getting low, and my obligations high. i will keep looking for another job closer to where i actually live, and travel time isn't so extensive...
Wish us luck

Focused

Getting used to my new schedule has been brutal.
I wake up at 8 with Jahlil, then, we chill/ play around til about 1030 where we get dressed and proceed to get ready for work and school.
Then i get in the 1:15 bus to take me to Doylestown so i start working at three, i get off at 11, where i catch another bus home arriving in the city at about 12:00 am., get home go to sleep and do it all over again. Not the best schedule, but you do what u have to do.
I'm working on getting Jahlil enrolled in Head Start. I just have to submit 2 more documents by Tuesday, and he'll be enrolled to start in September. I'm also trying to get my self back in school to take the prerequisites for nursing school.I was on the school website, and i could actually get in with just my SAT's, TEAS and a chemistry course. but i just feel like i need to boost or refresh my basic skills, so that i can truly succeed. This still puts me on track to become an RN by in 5 years.
I'm also was looking into getting my son into Girard College, im still debating about it simply because its a boarding school, and given the crap i went through in my youth being away from home, i dont want my Jahlil to feel unwanted or develop a complex. Of course i still have 3 years to debate, and prepare him for going there.

Peace and Love
Toye'

Settling In

I'm back! It's been a busy 2 weeks I was running back and forth to Doylestown in preparation for me starting work, and of course i started work. Work is well work nothing to important to discuss concerning that, except for the distance and travel times.
I have worked out a system with the ELC and Alex, so Jahlil is always covered, which helps to relieve some of the stress of that. I still want, or NEED a car but im not gonna rush the process, i set a more realistic time line, and if i follow my own budget,
I will be driving my own car before the end of the year.
If i worked overtime, it would help me greatly, but the whole travel thing puts me off.
I would NEVER see my son, and i like to see and be around my Jahlil, so only time will tell.

Jahlil Is turning 3 soon!!!!
I have an idea for his bday celebration.
I was thinking of having it at Kelly's Pool in FairmountPark, kind of a splash party/ bbq type thing.
It sounds good right?
I mean all i would have to do is fire up the grill, have some, cake, ice cream, and a few jinky lil games...good times for all. Plus the kids can go swimming(with their parents of course), plus we'll be outside, and there is this playground area.
Only thing about that is that its a public place, so if i dont get there early enough, i'll lose my spot.
Raindrop was talking about the moonbounce, and i would just have to get generator.
I have to go back down there and check it out again before i'm totally set on it.

Thats kind of all i feel like writing about today, maybe more later after Jahlil gets off my lap, and takes a nap.
Peace and <3
Toye