This morning was rough. i'm still in the midst of potty training Jahlil *without reinforcement from the school, or his dad*. Which basically means he's potty trained when i am around, and unpotty trained when im not. Anyways i know I've been saying "you got to do, what u got to do" in regards to me working and going back to school. Well the reality of that just smacked me in the face.
Jahlil didn't have the best drop off today. He cried and he cried, and he cried! He screamed "I want daddy", "I want water ice", "I want to go home" the entire bus ride, with me meekly sitting besides him feeling quilty and trying to pacify him
I feel guilty because i have to work...
I have to work and i have to work in Doylestown, Pa which is about 50 miles from my house, which wouldn't really be a problem, IF i had a car or even my license for that matter.
I DO NOT!!!
Instead i have to ride public transportation to and from work, Jahlil's school, and anywhere else i need to go.
I'm working on obtaining these things but this is not an overnight process.
So anyway i have to drop my son off at about 11:45 everyday, so i can take a bus and a train, to catch another bus the 1:15 55 bus to doylestown that takes me to work. The days that i have to work, I basically work all day getting ready to go, dropping Jahlil off, and getting to the bus on time, then riding said bus for about 90 minutes...all that and i haven't even started work yet.
Exhausting but True. After i leave work i have to get on the bus back home for about another hour long bus ride, then get in the car with Alex, just so i can get in my damn house.
although my schedule is set up so the most i will work is three days in a row, its still takes a toll on me physically, and i now see its getting to Jahlil too. I just feel like that was the reason he had such an outburst like that.
He misses his mommy, and still getting used to Alex not being around 24/7 like when we lived together. He also misses Mike my little brother and the time they used to spend together.
I guess he feels like all his favorite people are leaving him, and he's being left all alone with strangers to take care of him (or at least that how i would feel, and have felt before)
Now dont get me wrong he still spends time with his dad, every night i work, and every other weekend, but its just not the same as having him around all the time.
**Help i could go along the route of the blame game/woe is me game and say things would be easier if i had help, but i do have help. The help that i receive helps in a way that works out for all parties involved. With alex picking up jahlil, i dont have to worry or stress about raveling on SEPTA late at night with my son. i have piece of mind to know he's home sleep in his own bed with someone who loves and cares for him watching over him, while alex gets to get more 1 on 1 time with Jahlil, on an almost daily basis. Sometimes having piece of mind is the best help around.**
Basically this is my situation for now and i WILL make the best of it, but i just dont want to feel like I'm being an absentee mother, and leaving others to take care of my child.
I was just venting this was my struggle of the day it really had me in an odd place, i just had to get this out instead of carrying everything around inside.
Peace and love
Toye'
** P.S.** I am grateful for my job because it really came at the right time my money was getting low, and my obligations high. i will keep looking for another job closer to where i actually live, and travel time isn't so extensive...
Wish us luck
I feel guilty because i have to work...
I have to work and i have to work in Doylestown, Pa which is about 50 miles from my house, which wouldn't really be a problem, IF i had a car or even my license for that matter.
I DO NOT!!!
Instead i have to ride public transportation to and from work, Jahlil's school, and anywhere else i need to go.
I'm working on obtaining these things but this is not an overnight process.
So anyway i have to drop my son off at about 11:45 everyday, so i can take a bus and a train, to catch another bus the 1:15 55 bus to doylestown that takes me to work. The days that i have to work, I basically work all day getting ready to go, dropping Jahlil off, and getting to the bus on time, then riding said bus for about 90 minutes...all that and i haven't even started work yet.
Exhausting but True. After i leave work i have to get on the bus back home for about another hour long bus ride, then get in the car with Alex, just so i can get in my damn house.
although my schedule is set up so the most i will work is three days in a row, its still takes a toll on me physically, and i now see its getting to Jahlil too. I just feel like that was the reason he had such an outburst like that.
He misses his mommy, and still getting used to Alex not being around 24/7 like when we lived together. He also misses Mike my little brother and the time they used to spend together.
I guess he feels like all his favorite people are leaving him, and he's being left all alone with strangers to take care of him (or at least that how i would feel, and have felt before)
Now dont get me wrong he still spends time with his dad, every night i work, and every other weekend, but its just not the same as having him around all the time.
**Help i could go along the route of the blame game/woe is me game and say things would be easier if i had help, but i do have help. The help that i receive helps in a way that works out for all parties involved. With alex picking up jahlil, i dont have to worry or stress about raveling on SEPTA late at night with my son. i have piece of mind to know he's home sleep in his own bed with someone who loves and cares for him watching over him, while alex gets to get more 1 on 1 time with Jahlil, on an almost daily basis. Sometimes having piece of mind is the best help around.**
Basically this is my situation for now and i WILL make the best of it, but i just dont want to feel like I'm being an absentee mother, and leaving others to take care of my child.
I was just venting this was my struggle of the day it really had me in an odd place, i just had to get this out instead of carrying everything around inside.
Peace and love
Toye'
** P.S.** I am grateful for my job because it really came at the right time my money was getting low, and my obligations high. i will keep looking for another job closer to where i actually live, and travel time isn't so extensive...
Wish us luck
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