Everythings Changing

OK so I'm back from my self imposed blogging vacation.
I m not gonna lie and say all my time was well spent, but it was what it was.
I've accomplished things Ive wanted to accomplish for instance I scored high marks on my TEAS test, and was accepted into the class of 2011 LPN program.
GO ME,GO GO GO , GO ME!
as you can probably tell im proud of myself and feeling semi accomplished.
I still have yet to procure a vehicle, but you take your victories as they come.
But never the less i will be going to nursing school in January, while still working full time*i cant afford not to*, and raising my wonderful & excitable three year old son.
Seems like a big task to take on, but really what other options do i have????
Continue to work at my current job, while struggling to make it, and doing immense amounts of overtime just to (barely) make it??
Fuck That Shit!
I know myself, and i know that I'm destined for far more, then just where I'm at right now.
I work full time, at a job that's logistically too far away from me, busting my ass to not only make it to work on time, on public transportation, but also to comply with all the nonsense rules that are imposed upon us, and that seems to change daily, if not each shift.
Then i come home to an apartment, that dont get me wrong is wonderful and nice, but is not somewhere where i could possibly live forever, its more so the neighborhood and actual layout of the apartment. it feels like im being confined to being inside, there is no grass, no trees, no kind of green space, no porch or balcony. WTF is that? Sometimes you just want to step outside and feel a cool breeze or soak up the night air. and i cant really do that here.

Basically it just comes down to this simple fact:
I know that there is so much more that i can do with my life, and so much more that i can achieve. so while i dont look down on anyone who's living a lifestyle similar to mines, i also know that this isn't for me, long term.
I once had a conversation with one of the many people in my life who i have a ever so complicated relationship with, and we dicussed how everyone wasnt destined for success, and how we need people to be the gas station attendants, the valet parker, and baggers at the super market, and while i now realize how it makes sense, but at the time i couldn't wrap my head around how some people were OK with living such a mundane, and worthless *to me* life.
Ah the complexities that is life

Peace and Love
Toye'

untitled

So its been a while since I've posted anything new. i do have some post already lined up, but they dont seem to be what i want to say at the moment.

With that being said even though my blogging "career" has just begun. I'm going to unplug the key board for a while and focus on working towards getting my vehicle and excelling in the TEAS test.

Wish me luck.


*Actually I'll probably do a post on my sons birthday about how much i love him, and the way he's changed my life etc etc....*

Peace and Love
Toye

Green grass grows

Ok so i visited the guy from pit for information about their practical nursing classes, and i signed up for the TEAS test, which basically is a test to see if you have the necessary academic abilities to be successful in their program. Out of the hundreds of people*or so they say* who take the test , they only take the top 55. So i have to make sure I can get in, now while I'm still psyched about going to school, and in the mind frame to handle my business. There is a book i can use as a study guide so on my next day off I'm going to the bookstore to get it. I need to prepare my self for this PRONTO.

If i do get accepted into the program i would be in a position again, where i would have someplace to be and something to do with almost all of my awaken moments. its been like this before for me and i just couldn't handle it at the time, but since my unemployment and the distance i now have to travel just to go to work, I know a DRASTIC change is needed in my life.I want to better myself for myself and also for my child. I want him to live a life where he fondly recalls his childhood, and how he enjoyed it and didn't have to worry about adult things. i just want him to have the best, plain and simple.
"Enough is enough and its time for a change"

Conversely I wonder if I'm doing too much too soon.
On my way home i had to walk through what would be considered downtown Doylestown to get to the train station, and true to a balmy summer Saturday night the crowds were out. Everyone seemed to be out enjoying their lives and their youths. I felt a twinge of jealousy. I'm young, I'm attractive, and i like to go out and have a nice time every now and again. yet i was walking past in my scrubs with my scuffed nursing shoes, overdone weave and a $40.00 h&m bag.
Am i not allowed to enjoy life?
Must everything be so serious, straitlaced, and life or death with me?
I just want to put on high heels, prop up the "girls", and just enjoy a night out on the town but i guess thats not my life right now, and it just may never be my life.

Sometimes i just want a release!
I saw this as someones *M M* fb status a while ago:
"The grass is always greener on the other side, but grass always look green when you water it"
Comments; "fuck it cuz get a green house, it'll stay green all year long, but just keep cutting the grass so you can see the snakes"
Which basically is saying if you take care of things you do have, you"ll have everything you need and wont have to worry about everyone else or at least that's what i got from it. Although it just seems so easy to want what others have, especially if your struggling trying to do the right things, and nothings coming out as expected. while others are living the dangerous fast lifestyle, yet they're the ones who are getting all the advantages, and breaks. Frustrating to the 9th power. "i just want to be blessed, no stress, and lots of happiness"





P.S. i wrote both of these posts in my thought book on the same day within a hour from each other. how hilarious is that?

Daily struggle

This morning was rough. i'm still in the midst of potty training Jahlil *without reinforcement from the school, or his dad*. Which basically means he's potty trained when i am around, and unpotty trained when im not. Anyways i know I've been saying "you got to do, what u got to do" in regards to me working and going back to school. Well the reality of that just smacked me in the face.

Jahlil didn't have the best drop off today. He cried and he cried, and he cried! He screamed "I want daddy", "I want water ice", "I want to go home" the entire bus ride, with me meekly sitting besides him feeling quilty and trying to pacify him
I feel guilty because i have to work...
I have to work and i have to work in Doylestown, Pa which is about 50 miles from my house, which wouldn't really be a problem, IF i had a car or even my license for that matter.
I DO NOT!!!
Instead i have to ride public transportation to and from work, Jahlil's school, and anywhere else i need to go.
I'm working on obtaining these things but this is not an overnight process.
So anyway i have to drop my son off at about 11:45 everyday, so i can take a bus and a train, to catch another bus the 1:15 55 bus to doylestown that takes me to work. The days that i have to work, I basically work all day getting ready to go, dropping Jahlil off, and getting to the bus on time, then riding said bus for about 90 minutes...all that and i haven't even started work yet.
Exhausting but True. After i leave work i have to get on the bus back home for about another hour long bus ride, then get in the car with Alex, just so i can get in my damn house.
although my schedule is set up so the most i will work is three days in a row, its still takes a toll on me physically, and i now see its getting to Jahlil too. I just feel like that was the reason he had such an outburst like that.
He misses his mommy, and still getting used to Alex not being around 24/7 like when we lived together. He also misses Mike my little brother and the time they used to spend together.
I guess he feels like all his favorite people are leaving him, and he's being left all alone with strangers to take care of him (or at least that how i would feel, and have felt before)
Now dont get me wrong he still spends time with his dad, every night i work, and every other weekend, but its just not the same as having him around all the time.
**Help i could go along the route of the blame game/woe is me game and say things would be easier if i had help, but i do have help. The help that i receive helps in a way that works out for all parties involved. With alex picking up jahlil, i dont have to worry or stress about raveling on SEPTA late at night with my son. i have piece of mind to know he's home sleep in his own bed with someone who loves and cares for him watching over him, while alex gets to get more 1 on 1 time with Jahlil, on an almost daily basis. Sometimes having piece of mind is the best help around.**
Basically this is my situation for now and i WILL make the best of it, but i just dont want to feel like I'm being an absentee mother, and leaving others to take care of my child.

I was just venting this was my struggle of the day it really had me in an odd place, i just had to get this out instead of carrying everything around inside.


Peace and love
Toye'

** P.S.** I am grateful for my job because it really came at the right time my money was getting low, and my obligations high. i will keep looking for another job closer to where i actually live, and travel time isn't so extensive...
Wish us luck

Focused

Getting used to my new schedule has been brutal.
I wake up at 8 with Jahlil, then, we chill/ play around til about 1030 where we get dressed and proceed to get ready for work and school.
Then i get in the 1:15 bus to take me to Doylestown so i start working at three, i get off at 11, where i catch another bus home arriving in the city at about 12:00 am., get home go to sleep and do it all over again. Not the best schedule, but you do what u have to do.
I'm working on getting Jahlil enrolled in Head Start. I just have to submit 2 more documents by Tuesday, and he'll be enrolled to start in September. I'm also trying to get my self back in school to take the prerequisites for nursing school.I was on the school website, and i could actually get in with just my SAT's, TEAS and a chemistry course. but i just feel like i need to boost or refresh my basic skills, so that i can truly succeed. This still puts me on track to become an RN by in 5 years.
I'm also was looking into getting my son into Girard College, im still debating about it simply because its a boarding school, and given the crap i went through in my youth being away from home, i dont want my Jahlil to feel unwanted or develop a complex. Of course i still have 3 years to debate, and prepare him for going there.

Peace and Love
Toye'

Settling In

I'm back! It's been a busy 2 weeks I was running back and forth to Doylestown in preparation for me starting work, and of course i started work. Work is well work nothing to important to discuss concerning that, except for the distance and travel times.
I have worked out a system with the ELC and Alex, so Jahlil is always covered, which helps to relieve some of the stress of that. I still want, or NEED a car but im not gonna rush the process, i set a more realistic time line, and if i follow my own budget,
I will be driving my own car before the end of the year.
If i worked overtime, it would help me greatly, but the whole travel thing puts me off.
I would NEVER see my son, and i like to see and be around my Jahlil, so only time will tell.

Jahlil Is turning 3 soon!!!!
I have an idea for his bday celebration.
I was thinking of having it at Kelly's Pool in FairmountPark, kind of a splash party/ bbq type thing.
It sounds good right?
I mean all i would have to do is fire up the grill, have some, cake, ice cream, and a few jinky lil games...good times for all. Plus the kids can go swimming(with their parents of course), plus we'll be outside, and there is this playground area.
Only thing about that is that its a public place, so if i dont get there early enough, i'll lose my spot.
Raindrop was talking about the moonbounce, and i would just have to get generator.
I have to go back down there and check it out again before i'm totally set on it.

Thats kind of all i feel like writing about today, maybe more later after Jahlil gets off my lap, and takes a nap.
Peace and <3
Toye

Sorry for my lack of posts, its been a pretty busy week, and another one just started....more posts coming soon!

Ups and downs

It seems like every time my son leaves my side, or visits a relative, he regresses in his potty training. Incredibly frustrating.
My son went to my moms for a few hours last week, and he wouldn't use the "pot" after that i had to literally keep putting him on there, and leave him bottomless to get him back in the game.
Jahlil spent a weekend at his dads and now he doesn't even want to go in the bathroom.
So he pooped on himself and of course i had to change him. The smell was awful, i believe that if your smelling like a grown man then you need to get "ya body on the potty".
Its ruining my hard work, Jahlil needs to be COMPLETELY potty trained by the end of August. School starts for him early September, and you need to be fully potty trained to go there.
So I'm stuck between a rock and a stinky place.
And of course now I'm going back to work so I'll be spending even less time with Jahlil, and i just dont believe that daycare is pushing using the bathroom, i just dont.

What is a mother to do?
Seriously, what am i to do?

Pictures Pictures Pictures

Some of the various ways I've beaten my hair into submission, and the damage its caused. Includes weaves, perms, braids, excessive straightening, and of course the good 'ole fried dyed and layed to the side.








it also seems that i think profile shots are when i best catch the light...** New favorite pose???**

Catching Up

OK so my week has been super busy.... and left me ridiculously tired. waking up at 6am and catching various trains,bus trolleys, to far out locations will do that to a girl.

After almost a days rest im feeling normal again. Normal enough to hope on the computer and right type away my random thoughts dreams aspirations whatever you like to call it.

I'm currently sitting in the house childless because sometimes i just get nervous and dont feel like being bothered. Jahlil is with his dad until Monday night leaving me free to do all the things i want to do when he's not around. So what am I doing that's so fun, exciting and daring?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!

Next subject:
I've been thinking about going back to school for a lil bit now, but i wanted to make sure that it was something i was passionate, and willing to put my all into.
I have found something worthy of my time and effort.
I'M GOING TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR NURSING!!!!
it has been said, it has been written now, i just need to make it happen.
My ultimate goal is to become a RN with a BSN, but given that i have a whole mouth to feed, and a household to run, my method of obtaining this goal will be nontraditional.
I'm going to go to school for LPN first because that only takes a year, after i pass the state exam for that. I will work at an agency for one year to gain seniority and also so im eligible for my employer to pay my tuition. After gaining my employers financial backing im going to go Back to college/university to get that coveted BSN.

Next Subject:
I've been thinking about my hair, and what i want to do with it because really right now its a mess and a half.

I've been thinking of just being submissive and getting a perm, and being done with the whole thing. Perms just make things so much easier(sometimes), and it makes the hair straighter to go with this straight weave that i'm so inclined to always buy.
I've also been thinking of just getting a bunch of sew in weaves because it takes my mind of off my own hair, and somehow tricks my mind into thinking i have that texture, grade,length, of hair. Sew Ins are kinda expensive 140, where i go but so worth it. That doesn't include the cost of the hair itself, which can be anywhere from 40, to 120 dollars itself.
THAT'S NOT CHEAP.
and after losing my job earlier this year, im starting to rethink this whole, "spending money like its going out of style" thing. I really want to pay off my credit cards and build up my savings, for other emergency situations. I also want to get a car for easier traveling, and of course convenience.
I was also thinking about braids, but they take forever both ways, and not as cute as other hairstyles.

This is all for now since i lost my train of thought.

Peace and Love
Toye'

Random Ramblings

I dont really know what to blog about today, i just know i want to blog.
Maybe i'll talk about my desire to lose weight and "tone" up. I mean come on.........
My stomach was so damn big when i was carrying my son, but i mean after a month or two i went back to normal.
So why now when my son is working on 3 years being on this planet...is my gut so damn large....
YUCK YUCK YUCK
I'm just not into being a member of the the jiggly belly committee.
I believe my bloated midsection came from working at Nut-ass PNH. because really all i did there was Eat at work 24/7..its not a lot of work to be done
and unless you want to sit down and watch BET all damn day, why your coworkers attempt to have lackluster conversations with you, you walk to the vending machine, and the corner store, and you order out.
The blame is is mine for lacking self control.
So now im going to try to balance out my diet and only eat for nourishment and not just for bored, food lust, or as a social sport. The things that i will eat will also change, hoping to switch in my healthy/grown foods instead of processed junk i've been devouring like its going out of style.
So that is my mid-years resolution: to be more cautious of what i eat, while also increasing activity levels.
Wish me luck



Next Subject: my parenting skills or lack thereof

I love my son, i truly do, but i feel like im not doing him any favors by the inconsistent way that i'm raising him. I'm not talking about no" freaky Friday far-out shit", just the day to do occurrences and my reactions to them.
a FB friend was talking about all the awesome things her 3yr old daughter can do, and im jealous. like she said She knows her full name, her parents name, her phone number...yada yada bull shit. and then she posted a letter that the child wrote (with assistance of course) but still got me feeling like im setting Jahlil up for failure.
So im going to try, no no make it my business to make sure that Jahlil will know this information before his 3rd birthday in august.
Which means for me , not so much time on the computer, and not using TV as a babysitter, when im in one of my moods.
Jahlil does attend school but because of my work hrs, he attends from 2- 12 and basically after lunch 1230 (in my opinion) there isn't a lot of learning going on... around that time its more free play, outside play, and movies after 6 for the kids like Jahlil who parents dont work traditional hours.
I just want my son to have all the opportunities he can, i dont want him to be a slouch, or a loser, i want him to be love education and everything that it can bring him.
Sooo with that being said i gonna to cut the TV off and do things with my son, be it making a game of rolling socks, to arts and crafts projects, to learning his numbers, colors, letters, full name, address, blood type, social...you get the point. i want my child to know as much as his small but absorbent brain will absorb. That means i myself have to get off the computer, turn off the tv, leaving the addiction which is facebook alone, and focus on my most precious possession Jahlil Markese Stephens.
Again this will be a struggle to break out of my old habits, but this will reference back to the first, becasue if we're not sitting in front of the TV eating processed junk, we can do more active and empowering things to strengthen our bodies and minds...

Peace and Love
Toye'



P.s. more parenting rants to come, my train of thought was interrupted by a random market trip, and such.

WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!

I got the call today, I got the job in doylestown super excited. until i realize im going to have to have a crazy plan, of how this is going to work. Im thinking of just getting a car and "ridin dirty".... this really just seems like my best option....not alot to say today, except i had an excellent day with my Jahlil.....loved (almost) every minute


Peace and Love
toye

Rock and a hard place

My interview went great on Tuesday but cant be that great still didn't get a call back for a second interview. Whomp Whomp Whomp.

Now lets talk about my interview at the Doylestown luxury nursing home. First and foremost Doylestown is WAY farther then i thought it would be especially on public transportation. I got on the bus at 915am, i didn't arrive down the street from the place til about 1035 am. Oooo I saw my Uncle Rasheed at broad n olney, talked with him for a bit, he's the one who actually informed me how far Doylestown was on public transportation....(Sidebar glad to see him doing good and bouncing back). After finally arriving at the place and interviewing, i would absolutely love to work there, its just wonderful, its nice, clean, positive, and not to be joeing them up moving forward in long term care. Whats the but? My shift, they want me to work second shift 3-11, I'm fine with that. Septa is NOT!!!!!! the last 55 bus leaves at 1035, and the last R5 train leaves @ 1052 i don't get off til 11:00. That's not going to work at all. i was thinking of just catching a taxi or hack home, but doylestown is super far ie super expensive.What to do, What to do. I'm also not in a position to turn down a job, especially not one as awesome as this one. I'm thinking of asking if there happens to be a third shift opening, which would only further kill myself, cuz i would never sleep, Jahlil would be at school while i worked, and would then be wide awake after i go to pick him up. i can always go to sleep and ignore him, but that's really bad parenting. my support system is torn to shreds.... My sons dad is a deadbeat, and my lil brother is facing the consequences of his actions. My mother doesn't really play an active part in my life, and my other 4 brothers only contact me when they need a favor. A car maybe the most practical solution, except i still don't have my license and with my funds decreasing...i cant afford to pay for driving lessons. I also dont have the money to actually buy a car unless i want to not pay my rent and other pertinent bills.......

Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Peace and Love
Toye

Relief, and revelations

So a lot of things have happened this morning. I finally, finally, finally, asked Alex to leave out my house! I just feel so much better. Enough Said!!!!!!



I went on an interview yesterday, and i think it went great. He said they'll be doing call backs for second interviews, so guess i need to wait and see.
I do have an interview tomorrow for another nursing home job,I hope it goes well and i get it, even though its all the way in Doylestown, which means I'll be a traveling fool.
Its also second shift so I'll have to leave early, and get back late...Ugh.
You have to do what you have to do!!!!
What i really need to get my license when the test comes up in July, and then get a car. A car would make things so much easier for me.
Small steps to achieve my goals.


I just feel so good after doing what needed to be done, but i know there is way more work to be done, and it'll be a long hard fight to get what i want but I'm prepared.

Taking steps to achieve my goals
Peace and Love
Toye

Opening Act

OK so I've decided to write a blog, not really sure exactly what the focus is. Its more like the smorgasbord that is my life, open for everybody to read, comment, judge..whatever.
For those who don't know I'll just give a brief rundown of who I am, and how i came to be this way.
I'm a 21 year old single mother of a lovely little boy named Jahlil. He's almost three....SO for those of you math wizards, i had Jahlil when i was 18 years old a couple months after high school graduation...........Feel free to judge..........now stop. So my life is a bit unconventional, but in a good way. I'm enrolled in college but not exactly sure for what. i just know i wont be shit without an education, I'm leaning towards nursing, after learning that social work type jobs (Sadly) aren't work the paper their printed on. I mean yeah social workers are important and all but they aren't justly compensated for what they do. Nurses on the other hand are. Yes there is more to life than money, but i never really had money, and i don't want to be Warren Buffet rich, i just want to live comfortably in a nice neighborhood, with a nice car, with a respectable school district.
That's all!

So i have to do what i have to do to accomplish these goals.
As i write these words i realize I'm currently unemployed, so to recap, I'm an unwed, unemployed African American young Mom.. did somebody say STEREOTYPE!
But this unemployment wont last for long. I have an interview tomorrow, and I'm hoping to get the job, which i probably will, because believe it or not, I know how to turn on the charm.Every job that I've interviewed for I've gotten..so there..

Uh mm... this post seems to be getting pretty wordy, so I'll call it quits for today, and check back tomorrow after i get the job SERIOUSLY.

Peace and Love
Toye