I am sad, sad i am.

   
       So as of late i've been called, sad, withdrawn, uninterested and fake depressed. For good reason to might i add. My life sucks.
 This has really just been a horrible year for me across the board, like i've lost my job, lost my apartment, lost my independence, lost my friends, lost all respect for myself, i've just lost that " spark" that i used to have. This has really been trying time in my life. While i've struggled before, i've never fallen this low, and i hate it because it's really my own fault, that things are happening the way that there happening.  To make matters worse, i feel completely alone in this world ( albeit i have my son but come on he's 5. He's there but not really) So i'm alone in my thoughts and emotions in one of the most troubling, trying, and emotionally draining times in my young life... recipe for disaster.
People call me, i dont answer, or fail to call back. It's like i dont want to talk to you, and hear about what going on in your life when my own life is complete and utter chaos. Sorry but i really dont give a fuck about your petty issues, nor do i care to hear your complaints. But of course when you say these things to people your being, rude, mean, and insensitive, but again i dont give a fuck.
I'm just finding that i'm sad all the time, and i actually like to be sad all the time. All i really want to do is drink alcohol by myself, eating some form of greasy takeout, watch netflix, and wallow in my emotions. Yet people keep calling, keep texting, keep inviting me out. I dont want to go.I know that eventually i'll have to get up get back on that horse and get my life together, but not now. I'm not done being sad, so bah humbug and leave me alone until i contact you....

Innate Traits

So I logged onto Facebook today and I saw that one of  my old nursing school classmates got married. A rush of emotions hit me as i scanned through the pictures, like i was happy as a clam for her, but yet I had some underlying feelings of jealousy and (dare I say it) Hate? Why the fuck does my brain do that? Why I can't I just genuinely be happy for someone I know getting married and gush at the pictures without some nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach??? She looked awesome, gorgeous, glowy, and her dress highlighted her body perfectly, the hair  simple yet elegant, man she was lovely as a summer rain.Her bridal party was fierce and it was just a lovely display of love. Not black love, not white love, not grey love, just love in all of its complexities, and its glory.

Why am i so bugged out by this like really why? I have to get to the root of this asap. Do i have all these feelings because i feel like it should maybe be me who's getting married and not her? Is that what it is? Even though i know in my heart i'm not ready for that type let alone any type of commitment at this point in my life?
I'm coming off of a string of  faux relationships which really weren't the best thing for me in any way, shape or form. I know that i'm damaged as far as relationships and emotions is concerned. So why in the hell am i feeling so jealous and bitter that someone else has found the one they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???
Like is this some innate female trait, that won't allow me be happy for someone else without picturing or wondering why it's not/can't be me? Or a better question is there something wrong with me?? At the root of me is there some evil, wicked, jealous being who won't allow others to be happy, if she herself is not happy?
I really am ashamed of these thoughts i've had since looking at these pictures. Is this a woman thing, or do guys go thru some male equivalent of this too? I need answers, and i need answers now.....


The only reason i'm ending this is because I got distracted by twitter and i lost some of the steam of the emotions!!!

So although i never really blogged that much before i found myself not being able to blog or say exactly what was on my mind for the longest time. I was in the most miserable and self damaging of phases that i've ever been through. 
My life has sucked tremendously for the past maybe year or so if not more. I was a miserable snappy bitch. I ate too much, drunk too much and spent money  on the dumbest of dumb things. I was self sabotage at its best. 
If i was to go down this page and list the reckless, hazardous things i did, it would
only serve to remind me of what a dumb jackass i was. 
But i'm writing this to say that i'm over that hump. I've climbed out of the valley of
despair and i'm ready to climb back up. 


I've made a consensus decision to be better, to do better, and to treat myself better.
I'm worth more than that, my son deserves better than that. Depression, lost of 
self-worth, and learned helplessness is a bitch.But guess what i'm coming for you, 
and not only am i coming for you, i'm gonna whoop ya ass when I do catch you.


So here i go back on my path to happiness, success, and not being emo!