I am sad, sad i am.

   
       So as of late i've been called, sad, withdrawn, uninterested and fake depressed. For good reason to might i add. My life sucks.
 This has really just been a horrible year for me across the board, like i've lost my job, lost my apartment, lost my independence, lost my friends, lost all respect for myself, i've just lost that " spark" that i used to have. This has really been trying time in my life. While i've struggled before, i've never fallen this low, and i hate it because it's really my own fault, that things are happening the way that there happening.  To make matters worse, i feel completely alone in this world ( albeit i have my son but come on he's 5. He's there but not really) So i'm alone in my thoughts and emotions in one of the most troubling, trying, and emotionally draining times in my young life... recipe for disaster.
People call me, i dont answer, or fail to call back. It's like i dont want to talk to you, and hear about what going on in your life when my own life is complete and utter chaos. Sorry but i really dont give a fuck about your petty issues, nor do i care to hear your complaints. But of course when you say these things to people your being, rude, mean, and insensitive, but again i dont give a fuck.
I'm just finding that i'm sad all the time, and i actually like to be sad all the time. All i really want to do is drink alcohol by myself, eating some form of greasy takeout, watch netflix, and wallow in my emotions. Yet people keep calling, keep texting, keep inviting me out. I dont want to go.I know that eventually i'll have to get up get back on that horse and get my life together, but not now. I'm not done being sad, so bah humbug and leave me alone until i contact you....

Innate Traits

So I logged onto Facebook today and I saw that one of  my old nursing school classmates got married. A rush of emotions hit me as i scanned through the pictures, like i was happy as a clam for her, but yet I had some underlying feelings of jealousy and (dare I say it) Hate? Why the fuck does my brain do that? Why I can't I just genuinely be happy for someone I know getting married and gush at the pictures without some nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach??? She looked awesome, gorgeous, glowy, and her dress highlighted her body perfectly, the hair  simple yet elegant, man she was lovely as a summer rain.Her bridal party was fierce and it was just a lovely display of love. Not black love, not white love, not grey love, just love in all of its complexities, and its glory.

Why am i so bugged out by this like really why? I have to get to the root of this asap. Do i have all these feelings because i feel like it should maybe be me who's getting married and not her? Is that what it is? Even though i know in my heart i'm not ready for that type let alone any type of commitment at this point in my life?
I'm coming off of a string of  faux relationships which really weren't the best thing for me in any way, shape or form. I know that i'm damaged as far as relationships and emotions is concerned. So why in the hell am i feeling so jealous and bitter that someone else has found the one they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???
Like is this some innate female trait, that won't allow me be happy for someone else without picturing or wondering why it's not/can't be me? Or a better question is there something wrong with me?? At the root of me is there some evil, wicked, jealous being who won't allow others to be happy, if she herself is not happy?
I really am ashamed of these thoughts i've had since looking at these pictures. Is this a woman thing, or do guys go thru some male equivalent of this too? I need answers, and i need answers now.....


The only reason i'm ending this is because I got distracted by twitter and i lost some of the steam of the emotions!!!

So although i never really blogged that much before i found myself not being able to blog or say exactly what was on my mind for the longest time. I was in the most miserable and self damaging of phases that i've ever been through. 
My life has sucked tremendously for the past maybe year or so if not more. I was a miserable snappy bitch. I ate too much, drunk too much and spent money  on the dumbest of dumb things. I was self sabotage at its best. 
If i was to go down this page and list the reckless, hazardous things i did, it would
only serve to remind me of what a dumb jackass i was. 
But i'm writing this to say that i'm over that hump. I've climbed out of the valley of
despair and i'm ready to climb back up. 


I've made a consensus decision to be better, to do better, and to treat myself better.
I'm worth more than that, my son deserves better than that. Depression, lost of 
self-worth, and learned helplessness is a bitch.But guess what i'm coming for you, 
and not only am i coming for you, i'm gonna whoop ya ass when I do catch you.


So here i go back on my path to happiness, success, and not being emo!

Learning

So this year has been a hell of a year for me. Seemed like everything that could go wrong, did!
I think i've probably grown the most this year, and it finally feels like i'm a full grown adult. I just see things so differently now. I can honestly say i matured in more ways then one, but im certain i still have more maturing to go thru

One thing i realized about myself is i sometimes get so caught up in a situation (ie person) that fi fail to see the warning signs, or actually hear what they're saying to me.
I get so caught up in just accepting a person for who they are that, i dont really have any standards.
I know no that standards are the way to go. If you dont have standards then your way more willing to accept any 'ole thing, and make excuses the whole way.

So i've realized that im not ready to be in a relationship!
I'm just not ready, i could go into more details but nah whats the use.

My focus now is getting and keeping a job, getting my finances in order and educating myself and my son.
Thats all for now

Peace and Love,
Toye'

updates

Everything is fucked up (again)!

I have to start over like from scratch start over...WHAT THE FUCK....

Im so not ready for this bullshit....

I thought my life was getting better but im guessing not yet, not now!!!!

So excuse why i go pick up all the pieces of my life......


Oh yeah and before i forget Im fucking (the life, soul and money outta) a Married Man

*Jesus forgive Me*

So yeah now im trying clean up what i messed up!!!


Lets see how long this takes......................

We've all done this at least once.

Love, oh love stop making a fool of me.

Lately I have been acting like a dumb bitch.


I allowed love or what i thought was love, what felt like love, control me and control my whole life. I've allowed it to make me do things that i normally wouldn't have done. I've allowed it to have me going against my personal beliefs and values. I've allowed it to shape the way i treated my friends I've treasured long before "love" came along. I've changed the way i thought, acted, and spoke all in the name of "love". I've allowed it to have believing things that i knew to be untrue. I have been a Fool for "love."

I've allowed "LOVE" to "LOVE" everyone except me.

Oh how I've been a fool for "love". The funny part is i considered my self to be a very intelligent, and realistic woman. I've always been Ms.Practical, and was never the one to be caught up in things that aren't tangible. My specialty was reality. Love, oh love, what a fast one you pulled on me. You crept up on me like a thief in the night, you calmed me with your false reassurance, you made me believe that i was in control. "Love" you brought me some of my highest highs and my fondest memories. "Love" you tested me with small issues to see if i could withstand the rain and together we weathered the storm. You allowed me to see sunny skies, with endless sunshine. "Love" you had me up so high that there was no place to go but down.

"LOVE" you dropped me so hard and so fast i never knew what hit me. I never saw it coming, i was blinded sided by the best. I thought it had to be a mistake, that couldn't have been ya true intentions, not my "Love", and surely not to me. My "love" would never ever do such a thing to me, so i tried to right the wrong. I tried to get into line with my "love", because it wasn't my "love" it had to be me. So i made changes to make myself more lovable for my "love". I did what "love" asked me to do, I needed this "love" to "love" me. I tried and tried and tried even when i knew that it was a lost cause and that my "love" was no longer in "love". I fought a fight, the hardest I've ever fought, because as we all know finding and keeping "love" is the one
hardest fights that we'll ever fight.
But i have too admit, "love" kicked my ass, it whooped me good. My "love" had me second guessing my own self, it had me thinking the issue was internal. "Love" will sometimes do that to
you ya know! My "love" had me so screwed up mentally, it had me stressing something serious. My heart was was racing, my blood pressure was up, my appearance took a dive, my house was in an eternal state of chaos, my clothes no longer fit, my appetite was either no existent, or insatiable I was not at my best in no way shape or form.
It took a while and many self talks but i finally was able to pull myself from the grasp of "love". I began to get the notation that "love" wasn't fighting fair, and that i would not only never win, but also never even have a fair chance at winning.
I've removed myself from the situation and removed "love" from my immediate surroundings.

So in other words "LOVE" don't live here anymore.



*After rereading this i realized i come off slightly bitter, although i may be at the moment. It wont be a permanent thing for me. I do wish to embrace love and everything that comes with it, just not love of this caliber*